Dr. Hand Zombie Gynecologist

Upon arriving at your gynecologist for you annual physical, you notice Dr. Hand looks a bit more unkept than usual, and he smells. When I mean he smells; I mean he reeks! Worst thing you have smelled, since that nasty vagina infection you had back in the 80s.

His hair is plastered to his head, and his lab coat smeared with blood, that or he spilled ketchup on himself during lunch.

He kindly asks you to remove your clothing, and you kindly remind him to leave the room first.

Although you feel a bit uneasy, you know how hard it would be to reschedule. So you try to relax. Donning a paper gown, you sit on the exam table. Relaxing is impossible when you notice the waste basket filled with bloodstained clothing.



Calm down, you're just letting your imagination run wild.




When the Dr. returns, you lay back, placing your feet in the stirrups, and scoot down like always. Your mind is racing, and you are practicing calming your breathing so as not to let on, (your completely rattled).

He calmly tells you he will begin with a pelvic exam; he inserts two fingers in your vagina, but you aren't looking so you don't realize he isn't wearing gloves.

Lurching up suddenly when you feel something wiggling inside your vagina!

"What in the hell," you shout.

"Oh, I just hate when that happens," he mutters.

Gasping, you see one of his fingers fell off and is still inside your vagina, thus the wiggling you feel. You feel faint and lay back listening to the pounding of your heart echoing through your chest.

"I guess I'll just have to eat you then," he said.

You just lay there in a stupor, feeling numb.




Num, num num!!




WARNING DO NOT GO TO A ZOMBIE GYNECOLOGIST AS IT MAY BE DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH. I KNOW HIS OFFER TO EAT YOU MAY BE TEMPTING, BUT DON'T DO IT, NO MATTER HOW GOOD IT MAY FEEL AT THE TIME. RESCHEDULING WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THAT BIG OF DEAL WOULD IT?

Don't Let You Babies Grow Up To Be Zombies

Don't let your babies grow up to be zombies, or better yet zombie cowboys.

Sure the picture above doesn't look that bad, right? You may be in denial about the great job your son just told you he found in Texas, well let's say it may be a matter of national security. Uncharted territory (is his thing), and there are plenty of wide open space where he lives now.

The government is as we speak, getting ready for a press statement denying the whole incident as that is (their thing). They keep a tight lip about project Z and will continue to do so, until the enemy is eradicated.

Who is the enemy you ask?

Why shucks that's easy; anything that moves, breaths, gives him the eyeball, stimulates, irritates, or just for the hell of it. He likes to shoot his big gun, (what man doesn't) and loves to eat roadkill, (as long as he's the one killing it).

Anymore questions??


WARNING ZOMBIE COWBOYS DO EXIST, JUST AS SURE AS THE BIRDS FLY SOUTH FOR THE WINTER. DO NOT ALLOW YOU BABIES TO GROW UP TO BE ZOMBIES. I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY OFFER TO PAY YOU, IT'S NOT WORTH IT. BELIEVE ME I SHOULD KNOW AS MY SON HASN'T BEEN SEEN FOR FIVE YEARS, (ACCORDING TO THE GOVERNMENT) AND WE ALL KNOW THE GOVERNMENT ISN'T THE MOST RELIABLE SOURCE OF INFORMATION.

2011 Year Of The ZOmbie

I'm not afraid to stand up what I believe in, and I proclaim: 2011 the year of the ZOmbie. No, the two upper case letters is not a mistake, I think it looks good like that.

I have some loose ends to tie up, but after that I will be focusing on all things ZOmbie, short stories, and novels. Nick Rose is doing a sketch for my blog, and I can't wait until it is finished.

I hope you like the ZOmbie picture above I thought it was funny as hell. 

ZOmbie Day Care Center 101

You found a day care at a reasonable price, Zombie Day Care Center, (run by the family formally known as the Smiths). You knew them when they were alive, and they are vegetarians. Nothing to worry about, right?


Your son Tommy has been a handful, and has been thrown out of more day care centers than dirty diapers. 


Arriving to pick him up you notice:
1. He is drooling a bit more than usual.
2. He has a dazed look in his eyes.
3. The other children are all sleeping under their, now red blankets.
4. He seems to have trouble responding to you.
5. When you ask him a question he responds by: staring off into the distance. (What a daydreamer he has become).
6. Once home, he goes right to bed. (Oh what an angel). 


In the middle of the night you are awakened by your son chewing into you stomach . . . you then realize . . . maybe you should have considered the Vampire Day Care Center, down the street.

WARNING: DO NOT FOR ANY REASON TAKE YOUR CHILD TO A ZOMBIE DAY CARE CENTER, NO MATTER HOW NICE THEY SEEM TO BE. BEING KNAWED ON BY YOUR CHILD WILL BREAK MOST BONDS YOU ONCE HAD, WITH SAID CHILD, AND YOU TOO WILL BECOME ZOMBIE.

Partying With A ZOmbie 101

Why partying with a ZOmbie is more fun than a can of flippin peanuts, (the ones that jump out into a large snake). 


Everyone would die to be at your party, and I mean DIE.


Party games are always fun, like watch a ZOmbies leg fall off, a betting game. You bet on whose leg will fall off first. I hear they are great at Pictionary. Charades can be a bit troublesome as you need to understand the ZOmbie lingo. 


UGGHH?? AHhh?? GRredh?? Pleseen?


You need to see them chugging beer and flippin those quarters in a glass, (this may result in a ZOmbie losing a finger). Beer bong with them and see what orifice it escapes from.  


Think about the fun, think about the laughs, and think about the spin the bottle game. Nothing like swapping spit with a ZOmbie, but be careful least they try and take a chunk, and believe me they will, I should know, (that's what happened to Bill).


WARNING PARTYING WITH A ZOMBIE MAY RESULT IN DISMEMBERMENT, DEATH OR BECOMING ONE YOURSELF. INVITE A ZOMBIE TO YOU NEXT PARTY AT YOUR OWN RISK!!

2011

Happy New Year everyone. Time to let the past be and start anew, and for some us, time to change our path. I don't know for sure what path I'll travel on, but I know I will enjoy the journey. 

2010 has been a year of changes, both personal and professional. No, I wasn't published, but I have honed my craft. I wrote four short stories that I feel are noteworthy, "Ten Thousand Souls and The Legend Of Hell Crow," being the best of the lot, both good in different ways, and both inspired by paintings or illustrations by "Nick Rose."

I have something in the works that I won't mention until it's a done deal. I'm nearly finished with my novel "The Bone Extractor," which is a work in progress. As a writer, it's so easy to get distracted and start something completely different. Working full-time, what choice do I have, and working the night shift is even harder.

I have a set of characters I'm developing for a new novel that I hope will surprise you. Not the right crime fighting duel one would expect, but they are more interesting than any I have seen. I'm starting to feel like I'm in my writing zone.

I have noticed the number "11" showing up everywhere the last six months and I feel it's a sign. I think 2011 is going to be an exceptional year, not just for me, but everyone.

Flash Fiction Because I Love You

Lady Annabelle woke just as the clock’s bells rang twelve. Reaching for her husband Luther, who she realized was absent when she felt the cold spot beside her. He must have left hours ago, as he had countless times before. Where he went was a mystery to her, but this night, she felt compelled to find out.

Despite the chill, she pulled her feet out of her feather-down comforter, briefly putting a hand to her swollen abdomen. The baby moved within her as Annabelle moved across the floor to retrieve her dressing gown, covering herself.

Moonlight filtered through the nearly transparent curtains, lighting her way. Not even one ember remained within the fireplace. Surly her husband couldn’t have left her, and their unborn child to freeze, she pondered.

Opening the door leading to the hallway, she grabbed a lit candlestick from the table outside. Silent as a tomb that lay outside, no movement, or sound could be heard as she made her way up the great hall. 

Descending the spiral staircase, she walked slowly down, not wanting to hasten and risk losing her footing. Once on the main floor, she heard sounds coming from the spare bedroom in the back. Freezing briefly, when she heard a scream echoing up the corridor. Annabelle wasn’t dissuaded, and continued her way towards the spare bedroom, stopping in front of the door, placed her ear to the door, and listened.

“Hold her down,” Luther said.

Annabelle knew it was Luther's voice, but whom was he talking to she pondered. More screams were heard and she gingerly pushed open the door a crack. Peering inside, Annabelle spotted a woman with long brown hair held to a table by two men with black hooded cloaks, concealing their faces as they had their back towards the door.

Luther was wearing a black cloak and hood also, and she could see him clearly, a green amulet dangled from his neck. Eleven black candles of different shapes and sizes adorned the room, all lit. 

The woman continued to struggle as Annabelle saw a jeweled dagger held in Luther’s hand, raised above the woman’s breast.

“Dark master, please accept this sacrifice as a sign to know we serve only you,” Luther said. 

Suddenly, Luther dropped his hand, stabbing the woman in the chest. Screams filled the room, and it took a moment before Annabelle realize it came from her. Annabelle froze with fear as Luther and two men she didn’t know, gazed at her.

“Annabelle what are you doing here?” Luther bellowed.

She ran from the doorway and made her way to the great door leading outside. Pulling it open, she ran into the night. Gasping as the cold air gripped her. She ran through the cemetery and slipped through the hole in the fence.

“Annabelle, come back here,” she heard Luther yelling.

She continued to make her way across the frozen grass. Her heart pounded, and the baby kicked, urging her on, and all she could think about is how easy it was for Luther to kill that woman, and she knew he wouldn’t hesitate to kill her; now that she knew his secret.

She stopped, standing at the edge of the cliff, hearing the roar of the sea, crashing on the rocks below. Turning she saw Luther running towards her. Looking back down the cliff, she knew what she had to do, the only thing she could do. Annabelle stepped off the edge of the cliff.

“No,” Luther screamed! 

He lunged forward, and grabbed her hands before she fell, and breaking one free, she clawed at his face. He let go, but before she fell, she grabbed his amulet, breaking it from his neck, and held it tightly in her hand as she fell.

The Legend Of Hell Crow

Here is a sampling of an epilogue for my story, "Hell Crow," to date this is my best story I have written.


“Sarah, I just want to look at the book.”
“Find your own damn book, this one is mine.”
“Fine language for a five-year-old; your mother would be shocked.”
“Where do you think I learned it from?” Sarah stood rosy cheeks in all as if daring Bobby Sue to attempt to touch the book again. 


The Legend Of Hell Crow is based on a painting by Nick Rose. He wants me to work on a collection of short stories, inspired by his paintings, that we'll publish ourselves. 


I haven't given up on publishing, and will continue to write no matter the outcome.

Is it December already? Time to make gaming companies more money than ever. I should know as I have made my own investments. 


My children have given me a list of the games they want for Christmas. Red Dead Redemption seems to have taken Call Of Duty's glory. My children love the Cabela's games, (Dangerous Hunts, Legendary Adventures) For those not familiar with those games, they are hunting games. If your not keen on Hunting animals for sport, you can always choose, Cabela's African Safari, you use darts to capture endangered animals, and if you use a bullet, and kill the animal, you lose.

All of these games are rated mature or teen, and as parents, we struggle with what is the right to thing to do for our children. They rated Cabela's as Teen, blood, and violence, but it doesn't look like real blood. I think they need to look at the way games are rated. Many of Sonic games use guns, but yet, are not rated harshly.

Game systems are getting more expensive than ever, and everyone is rushing to purchase the latest gadget. I pad, I pod, I don't know? At first, WII seemed to have taken them all by surprise, but now with Playstation move and XBox kinect, the playing field is wide open. Competition is a great thing, and it's giving us more advance gadgets, not all which are great, but it's a beginning.

I want to wish everyone a fabulous holiday season.