Sunnybrooke Manor

Upon visiting your mother, Martha, at the nursing home. You notice right away that things look a bit odd. There seems to be a bit more moaning and groaning than usual, and the staff has locked themselves in the day room. 


Puzzled, you continue up the hallway to your mothers room and are outraged when you find the room totally trashed.

Both beds were placed across one corner of the room, and your mother, Martha, is sitting on the floor behind them knitting.

Leaning over you ask. "Mom are you okay?"

"Sure honey, but today really isn't a good day to visit." She rubs the blanket she is knitting. "The residents are a bit restless today." She begins to laugh to herself. "We had salad, and I'm afraid that didn't sit very well with Mel, he's more of a meat man."

You scratch your head wondering if she has completely lost her mind, although you know she's oriented times ten.

"Why are you huddled behind there like that?"

Looking coyly up at her daughter, "It's just safer that way my dear."

"Well I'm going to speak to the administrator about this immediately."

"Oh I wouldn't be doing that dear, she's the one that started this whole mess. She had an employee in her office when all hell broke loose. She was bitten on her arm and staggered out into the hallway and died. They called for an ambulance, but I'm afraid it was too late. By the time they arrived, she had already awakened and attacked them. Luckily the police arrived right behind them and used deadly force. They killed four zombies but four residents were infected, and I'm afraid the police didn't quite know what to do."

Your mouth opens with shock, and you struggled for words. "Why is that."

"Because dear they only have false teeth and every time they try to bit someone, they fall out."

"I saw the staff huddled in the day room."

"They are just a bunch of lazy bitches that don't want to do any work. If the zombies let them, they'd be out back smoking all day."

"If everything is so honkey dory then why are you hiding back there?"

"Well dear, once one of them latches onto your head it's weeks before you can unlatch them. Imagine that, having to use the bathroom while they just keep gumming you head like some kind of humping rabbit, it's so annoying."

Suddenly the door rips from its hinges and you are face-to-face with an old man with a walker.

"Brains ... brains ... brains," He mutters coming forward with his walker.

Your mother somersaults from where she once sat knitting, kicking the zombie in the stomach. He tumbles back and throws his walker at her. She continues to beat him like some kind of crazed ninja. Finally, he falls down, his mouth seeping a green gelatinous substance.

I look down at him and try pulling my mother from the room, as I move to leave, the zombie grabs my leg and my mother embeds her knitting needles into his eyes.

"That will teach him," your mother says smiling.



WARNING: DO NOT FOR ANY REASON LEAVE YOU DEFENSELESS PARENT IN A NURSING HOME WITHOUT PROPERLY ARMING THEM WITH KNITTING NEEDLES, AS ONE NEVER KNOWS WHEN OR WHERE A ZOMBIE INFECTION WILL OCCUR. THAT COURSE IN SELF DEFENSE YOU INSISTED SHE TAKE YEARS AGO NEVER HURT EITHER.

Dr. Hand Zombie Gynecologist

Upon arriving at your gynecologist for you annual physical, you notice Dr. Hand looks a bit more unkept than usual, and he smells. When I mean he smells; I mean he reeks! Worst thing you have smelled, since that nasty vagina infection you had back in the 80s.

His hair is plastered to his head, and his lab coat smeared with blood, that or he spilled ketchup on himself during lunch.

He kindly asks you to remove your clothing, and you kindly remind him to leave the room first.

Although you feel a bit uneasy, you know how hard it would be to reschedule. So you try to relax. Donning a paper gown, you sit on the exam table. Relaxing is impossible when you notice the waste basket filled with bloodstained clothing.



Calm down, you're just letting your imagination run wild.




When the Dr. returns, you lay back, placing your feet in the stirrups, and scoot down like always. Your mind is racing, and you are practicing calming your breathing so as not to let on, (your completely rattled).

He calmly tells you he will begin with a pelvic exam; he inserts two fingers in your vagina, but you aren't looking so you don't realize he isn't wearing gloves.

Lurching up suddenly when you feel something wiggling inside your vagina!

"What in the hell," you shout.

"Oh, I just hate when that happens," he mutters.

Gasping, you see one of his fingers fell off and is still inside your vagina, thus the wiggling you feel. You feel faint and lay back listening to the pounding of your heart echoing through your chest.

"I guess I'll just have to eat you then," he said.

You just lay there in a stupor, feeling numb.




Num, num num!!




WARNING DO NOT GO TO A ZOMBIE GYNECOLOGIST AS IT MAY BE DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH. I KNOW HIS OFFER TO EAT YOU MAY BE TEMPTING, BUT DON'T DO IT, NO MATTER HOW GOOD IT MAY FEEL AT THE TIME. RESCHEDULING WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THAT BIG OF DEAL WOULD IT?