Monday, May 7, 2012

Mom Myths

I thought I'd blog about something different for a change. I'm calling it mom myths.

Motherhood isn't what I thought it to be until I became a mom. The strange part is that you don't need a license nor are you required to take a parenting course—they just let you take the baby home, without even an instructional book???

I wasn't the type of girl that loved to hold other people's babies. I rarely babysat anyone's kids, but they gave me this wiggling squirming baby that I had no idea what to do with. 

In my case, my daughter was in neonatal for ten days because she swallowed meconium during delivery which is basically fecal matter. She had to have surgery, and they put in a bunch of tubes. She was also put on a respirator. Try that on for size for a new mom. I was past overwhelmed. She did get better and pulled out her own respirator, and was fine in ten days. I can recall the nurse asking me what colic was, but I don't remember much else, maybe she explained it to me or maybe she didn't. I was still in a trance over being a new mom with a sick baby, even though I had never smoked a cigarette. I even drank milk and took my vitamins. 

As a way to look at motherhood in a humorous way I thought I'd hand out my own wisdom on the subject.

Mom Myths:

Sometimes the baby doesn't quit crying even though you rock him or her until you create a hole through the floor.

Sometimes babies don't just burp, they spit up all their formula all over you.

Having urine squirted in your eye is never amusing.

Don't expect your baby's father to get up in the middle of night to give the baby a bottle.

For some reason you can sleep through your alarm clock going off, but you can hear your baby cry a half a mile away.

When your baby smiles sometimes it's gas, but sometimes they are really smiles.

It's perfectly normal to want to throw the baby in a trash can, but don't do it!

I don't recommend feeding a baby prunes unless you want a catastrophe at a public place. 

Terrible twos hit way before two and last much longer.

Even after baby proofing your house, there is still something the kids will manage to get into.

Having all your pots, pans, and entire tupperware collection spread all over the kitchen floor is only cute the first time.

Oops, I knew I should have bought refrigerator locks.

Potty training you child by age one is laughable. You'll  be lucky if they are potty trained by preschool age.

Men's idea of teaching your son to pee outside isn't so cute at a family reunion.

Temper tantrums happen.

Cute words kids pick up aren't so cute when your child screams "Boobies" all over Walmart.

Children don't always tell the truth. (Who thought that one up?)

Listening to advice about child rearing from anyone is useless. It's more of a fly by the seat of you pants kinda thing.

The older the child, the less you'll know what's really going on.

You're always the last person to know about anything.

If you think your child is going to actually hand over their report card to you ... again laughable.

New excuses are invented daily.

It's never their fault.

You're just being mean is really a compliment.

When your thirteen year old daughter says she doesn't like boys yet don't believe her!

Smiles :)

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