Saturday, January 21, 2012

Ten Ways to get your ass kicked at a nursing home

I have worked at a nursing home for three years, and it taught me how to roll with the punches or deflect them at least. I thought you might enjoy my wisdom.

1. Tell a "resident" they are confused. For some dang reason, this sets them off. It's the equivalent of telling them, they don't know what they are talking about.

2. Telling them that they have to do anything they don't want to do. Choose your words very carefully people. It's kinda funny when medicine gets spit back in the nurse's face though.

3. Doing the dump and dash. Okay so you're not only taking you loved one to a nursing home, you're leaving them there forever, and you don't even tell them. Your ass probably won't get kicked, but it should be because the staff is the ones that have to deal with the situation.

4. Getting into the face of any enraged resident. Okay, so they are already pissed off and you think you can calm them down by getting near enough, so they can slap the hell out of you?? Think people. They didn't just invent the word time out for children you know.

5. Asking the nurse for help. Seriously, like she's going to stop what she's doing. She's too busy telling the other nurse what she did last night, lol. In this case, the nurse ought to get her booty stomped, lol.

6. Trying to stop a resident from exiting the building. Okay, your quick wits won't save you here. If you can't distract them by showing them acrobatics or offering ice cream, you're shit outta luck, and pulling their wheelchair backwards may be the only way. Ouch, yes, they can still land a few blows upside your head from the backwards position.

7. Trying to get something out of a residents' mouth that isn't food. I know it's so cute when the activity girls get them to do all this crafty stuff, but for some residents, this could be a choking hazard. I have a few bit marks to prove it.

8. Telling a resident they can't have a pain med or all of them at the same time. These are fight words and get ready to be called every name on the planet. I had no idea the former catechism teacher had such colorful language.

9. Trying to stop a resident from bee-lining his way toward the bathroom. Okay, so the bed alarm is blaring and you're trying to put the walker into place. The resident has to pee, move your ass.

10. Laughing at them when they say something that doesn't make sense. Like when they make up a song about how you're going to burn in hell, think their mother is still alive, ect. Never challenge their reality, it will come to blows every time.



Nixon Johns said...

Very funny Madison, and it takes a special person to care for others when they are in this condition, which says a great deal about you. Good read. Hugs.

Madison Johns said...

I'm being serious. Really I have bruises and everything.